People think that being spiritual means that you
sit quietly repeating “om” while anyone does what
they wish with you because you have no boundaries.
Not true!! Below you will find a great article by
Bijan Anjomi from Effortless Prosperity on setting your
Boundaries by Bijan Anjomi
Everyone on this planet has boundaries, and everyone
reacts differently when those boundaries are pushed or
crossed. The boundary might have to do with language,
or money, or pets on furniture, giving respect, or
coming over (uninvited) on someone’s home, or any
number of things. What is “no big deal” or
“perfectly acceptable” to you might be completely
out of line for someone else.
How we react when our boundaries are crossed usually depends upon the
boundary – and on the amount of boundary issues we’re dealing with at the
moment. In one instance, it might be as simple as saying – “Please don’t do
that (behavior) in my home”. However, if you’ve been pushed from several different directions, and someone cross one of your
boundaries, they might get a bigger and more pronounced reaction.
I have to admit, I tend to be too gentle about communicating my boundaries,
so sometimes I find that I didn’t clearly get my point across. So, I try to be a
bit clearer the next time, and the next. And, when I cross a boundary by
doing something that I see as ‘perfectly acceptable’, I try to be perfectly
respectful of the other person’s point of view.
Most of the time, when these issues arise, there is no intention of disrespect.
It’s just a matter of two (or more) people who see life from a different angle.
If the boundary is not communicated totally and respected, then resentment
will build and a much more unpleasant experience may result.
I had a very interesting experience regarding this situation.
I originally moved to USA from Iran when I was only a teenager and did not
take me long to get use to the belief system of this country and since my main
goal always has been peace and self improvement, it did not take long to realize
that I must keep my word in every situation and honor my world always.
I also learned and exercise the art of allowing and even though I personally
never smoked, drank or experiment with any drugs yet I always find myself
not judging and totally in the state of allowing anyone regarding those issues.
The interesting event that I remember vividly happened few years ago as
I invited several of my family members that live in southern California over
to Las Vegas where I live now. This was a special occasion during the time that
my sister was visiting me from Australia and her wish was to see the rest of the
family while she was over. As they all came over we spend the whole day in joy
and celebration of being together. We ate and laughed a lot all day.
Right after lunch I noticed that one of my guest pulled a pack of cigarette out
and offered it to others and just about everyone took one and proceed about
lightening it up right in my house. Spite of the fact that everyone was aware
that I do not smoke and on even couple occasions that morning I mentioned
it to them that I don’t mind a smoker as long as they don’t smoke in my house
or my present they, still proceed to light it up and even blow it on my way.
In this case I was in the cross road of two choices. #1 let them know about my
bounders and ask them to respect it, in the chance of it might heart their feelings
and would not like me anymore. Or #2 let it go now and put up with it so their
feeling will not be heart and they feel welcome in my house.
After a few minutes pondering on it I realize that I must be true to myself and let
them know (With Love) how I feel regarding their action. As I explained in a
firm yet gentle way about my bounders just about everyone understood and
even apologized only one of my cousin was unhappy and said: you know if you
were in my house and done this I would not tell you anything about it because
you are my guest and can do anything in my house that you want. At this time
my sister stepped forward and asked the cosine: You know Bijan for many years,
have you ever seen or heard him talking bad about anyone? My cousin said “No”.
Then my sister continued and said: in all my life knowing Bijan I never felt that
he holding any resentment against anyone and as far as I can figure it out is
because he does not cross any ones bounders and does not put up with any one
cross his bounders. He always communicates what is on his mind with a loving way.
My cousin agreed and they all put out their smoke. We had a great day together
and they respected my bounders as I did with them.
So, some things you can consider from this day on that can make your life
much more effortless when you are hosting visitors, or when visiting other people’s homes:
- It is important to establish your Boundaries with your friends and
coworkers early in the game and also become aware of theirs so the
relationship can flow effortlessly.
- Don’t assume that everyone shares your vision of life, and has
the same boundaries as you
- Be ware that everyone has a different belief system and in most
cases it is different than yours and you must be willing to allow it
as long as it does not interfere with your peace.
- If you cross someone’s boundary and feel you’re being yelled
at – don’t take it personally, but do respect the newly identified boundary
- Be as clear as possible about your boundaries when inviting people
over (for instance: if it’s NOT O.K. for people to be naked in your
Jacuzzi – tell them to bring their swim suits or if you wish them not to
visit certain room in your house make them aware of it)
- The last but not least always remember your peace of mind is the most
important asset you have, therefore holding back on your communication
to let them know where you are coming from could be very costly for
your peace and ultimately your health.
So, when attending or hosting holiday, special event or family gatherings,
pack plenty of patience, understanding, common sense and
communication – and a great time can be had by all!
There are some other points I like to make regarding your bounders
and what lies within them.
1) Feelings. You must allow yourself to feel good because feeling plays
an enormous role in your motivation and behavior. They should neither
be ignored nor placed in charge.
2) Attitude and beliefs. Your attitude have to do with your orientation
toward something and the stance you take toward others.
3) Behavior. Behavior have consequences and to rescue anyone from
their natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.
4) Choices. You are the one who makes your choices and you are the one
who must live with their consequences and you are the one who may be
keeping yourself from the choice that you could be happy with.
5) Self-control without repression. To will be able to say no to
ourselves this includes both our destructive addiction and some so
called good ones that is not wise to pursue at the giving time.
6) Desire. Universe love to shower us with worthy gifts, however it
make sure that these gifts are right for us. To know what to ask for we
have to be in touch with whom we are and what our motive is.
7) Muscle. We have to exercise our trust muscle and if it is injured it will
slow down or weaken. We need to take a responsibility for claiming our heart
as our property and work on our weakness so that we can better respond to love.
8) Thoughts. Establishing bounders in thinking involves three things.
Number one: We must own our own thoughts. Certainly we must listen to
thoughts of others, but we must also do right things for we in the context
of relationships “sharpening” each other as an iron knife, but remaining separate thinker.
Number two: we must grow in knowledge and expand our mind.
Number three: We must clarify distort thinking. We all have tendency
not to see things clearly, to think and perceive it in the distorted way.
As we assimilate new information out thinking adopt and get closer
to the reality. Also we have to make sure that we are communicating our
thoughts to others. It will open up life to us.
– Bijan Anjomi